


Forgiveness not needed, but granted

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Agent John Bishop is mentioned, Animal Transformation, Brotherly Affection, Cages, Captivity, Exhaustion, Feral Behavior, Fucked Up, Gen, Guilt, Heart-to-Heart, Implied/Referenced Torture, Loss of Control, Memory Loss, Mutation, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Older Brothers, Psychological Trauma, Recovery, and donnie fixing everything, basically raph and leos feeling of what went down, like he always does, s04e24 Good Genes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 06:32:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15902790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: Donnie doesn't remember his second mutation, how close he came to dying. He doesn't remember the pain he caused and the people he almost hurt. He doesn't remember his brothers trying to stop him and treating him like a savage animal. He doesn't remember the deal. He only remembers waking up to the open arms and grateful smiles of his family and being cared for in his recovery.His family remembers everything and in very vivid detail. With Donnie asleep in the lair, maybe that's why Raph finds him up here?





	Forgiveness not needed, but granted

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so I just really love good genes and I completely forgot about it until the other day when I thought "Leo shot Donnie" and stopped what I was doing to write this. I hope you like it. 
> 
> I'm not 'new' to the TMNT fandom (loved it since I was 5, duh) but these are my first fic's. I hope they're alright.

Raph found him on the roof of the building, legs dangling over the edge and eyes on the stars. His swords, usually kept snugly against his shell, lay beside him crossed over each other. His hands were in his lap, clasped loosely as if praying for forgiveness.   
  
Silently, Raph sat beside him but his brother didn't flinch. Neither spoke for a long while, just enjoying the rare moments of each other’s company and the calmness of the night.  
  
Eventually, Raph glanced at his face and saw both the mixture of emotions in his eyes and the blankness of his face. Raph knew that look well. "You're angry." He said finally. "Or upset. Whatever it is, you've got no reason to be."  
  
Sighing, Leo wiped a hand down his face, the spell of silence broken. “I think my reason is valid, Raph.”

“What’s happened?” Raph asked. “You don’t normally come out here.” He kicked a rock and watched it clatter down the side of the building and onto the granite floor below. “Especially not after something this… big.”

Leo shivered, rubbing his hands up and down his arms as if he were cold but there was no wind and the air was almost too humid to be comfortable. “I know but… I needed space.”

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with Don, would it?” Raph asked cautiously.

“Maybe.” Leo kept his eyes carefully fixated on the sky. “But, it’s not his fault I’m unhappy if that’s what you mean.” He said hurriedly.

“Of course not.” Raph agreed. “This thing you’re upset about… happened in Bishop's lab, didn’t it?’

Breathing slowly through his nose, Leo let out an anxious breath. “Yeah…”

“Leo, you cannot blame yourself for that,” Raph said. “You did what needed to be done-“

“I shot him Raph!” Leo exclaimed with a catch in his voice and Raph could tell his brother was trying to sob and scream and shake. “I shot him with his own device! He’s my brother and I shot him like a wild animal!”

“He _was_ a wild animal!” Raph retorted, gripping Leo’s arms and turning his brother around to face him. “He was mindless and senseless and he wasn’t Donnie anymore!”

Leo dropped his voice, hands shaking and eyes glossy. “I made a vow to never hurt any of you past absolutely necessary. I made that vow myself and I broke it. I let them take him after I shot him.”

Raph sighed. The sounds of the gun going off and the bright flashes of the bullets leaving the barrel overpowered his vision when he closed his eyes. He had watched Leo stand there, stationary, emotionless, and fire bullet after bullet after their rampaging younger brother. In the lair, Donnie was asleep, exhaustion taking its toll as he collapsed into Leatherhead's arms as soon as they lefts Bishop's base and his body had reverted to normal. Raph couldn’t get his brothers cold, scared, shaking form out of his head. “Nobody blames you, Leo. Especially not him.”

“I should have found a better way,” Leo shook his head, eyes avoiding Raph’s gaze and instead focusing on the flickering lights in the buildings below.

Resisting the urge to growl, Raph gripped his brother's chin and jerked it back to face him. “He’s fine Leo. Donnie is fine, he’s resting downstairs and back to normal size and shape. I swore I heard him mumbling about tragicomic equations before he fell asleep.”

“I hated seeing him like that,” Leo muttered and Raph could share the sentiment. “He’s always been our smart, lanky younger brother, right? So, seeing him a heavy, giant…”

“Dumb monster.” Raph finished bluntly and Leo flinched. “He was a giant dumb monster.”

“Yeah…” Leo whispered.

“But he’s not anymore, Leo,” Raph said gently. “He’s back to his regular self. I betcha we’ll find him in his lab when we wake up tomorrow.”

When Leo didn’t answer, Raph sighed and squeezed his brother’s hands until their eyes met. “Come on, Leo. Tell me what’s really bothering you.”

Gulping thickly through the build-up of tears, Leo resisted the urge to tremble. “We put him in a cage, over and over again, and while I know we did all we could to help him I can’t help but… you remember that Donnie has never liked chains or cages. If he was in his right mind, he would have protested and fought us and begged us not to do it. But I’m worried that… we would have done it anyway.”

With a sigh, Raph nodded, knowing his brother was accurate. “But he _wasn’t_ in his right mind Leo, that’s the point I’m trying to make. I don’t think he was entirely himself the whole time he was infected.”

“Yeah,” Leo agreed quietly, remembering his brother stumbling and blubbering and spacing out more than normal. “I didn’t spot it then but now I realize how different he was.”

“Exactly,” Raph said. “The thing you shot? That wasn’t Don. That was another mutant who took our brother away and used his body. You did the right thing.”

"It's my job to protect this family from anything and anyone who might be a threat," Leo said, eyes hard and lips tight. "And when I become that threat... when I hurt you into submission and lock you into cages..."  
  
Raph listened patiently to his brother finish his thought and waited silently until it was clear that the words could no longer be said. "Leo..." Raph sighed, placing what he hoped was a comforting hand on his shoulder. "This wasn't your fault." He shook his head when Leo opened his mouth to object. "If we're playing the blame game here, I was the one who pushed Don in front of that thing in the first place."  
  
Mulling the words over, Leo bit his lip. "I'd forgotten about that." He admitted.   
  
"Because you were so invested in your own mistakes to focus on mine," Raph said. "It's my fault we're in this mess in the first place."  
  
"Leatherhead says that it'll take him a little while to recover." Leo's words were solemn. "Says his body is still recovering from the shock of such change. I don't like the way he's burning up but he's shivering. He might have PTSD- or his body might."  
  
"I know." Raph agreed. "He's real unsteady on his feet. He sounds weak too like even speaking is difficult. Do you think..." he paused as he thought his next words over. "That he's going to be more..."  
  
"Animalistic?" Leo finished. Raph nodded. "I was thinking the same thing. He growled at Mikey yesterday when he went to check his temperature. He seems to be a little stronger too. He moved the fridge when he opened it the other day."  
  
Raph hummed. "I hope that doesn't make him do something he might regret."  
  
"What do you mean?" Leo asked.   
  
"Well, think about it," Raph waved his hands out in front of him as he spoke as if conducting the wind. "His weapon is effective through strength. He needs the power to swing around a heavy wooden stick and bring it down on moving targets and all that jazz. If you think he's stronger now, and he keeps doing what he's been doing all his life, then don't you think some accidental mistakes might be made? Some, I don't know, unexpected casualties?"  
  
Heaving a sigh that sounded like it carried the weight of the world, Leo roughly ran his hands down his face. "I... I didn't even think of that. Don doesn't kill. Out of all of us, he's the only one that hasn't taken a life. If he fights like he always does and he doesn't realize how strong he is..."  
  
"He'll have a lot more blood on his hands." Raph agreed "but what do we do? We can't just tell him to tone it down a notch and go easy on the bad guys."  
  
Leo was drumming his fingers against his swords now, the dull banging of his fingers against the metal a contrast to the sharp, scraping ringing of the blade against the concrete. "He already believes that he's the least skilled out of us all. If we tell him that he's at risk of killing people..." he dug his palms into his eyes. "Ugh, this is all my fault..."  
  
"Leo, cut the crap," Raph said, not ungently but he needed his brother to listen. "You had no say in this. It was out of your control. You did what needed to be done when you knocked him out and put him in that dome because without that he would have done much more damage, hurt many more people and we probably wouldn't even know where he was right now!" Raph watched as Leo thought the statement over. "It's the truth bro. None of us could have done it but you did what you needed to and because of that, Leatherhead was able to work on the cure and we got our Donnie back."  
  
There was a pause as Leo closed his eyes tightly and breathed deeply through his nose. Finally, he turned to Raph, eyes open as a small smile playing on the edges of his lips. "When did you get so wise?"  
  
Raph snorted and rubbed the back of his head. "One of those crappy shows Master Splinter watches. They're pretty catchy when there's nothing else on."  
  
"I'm glad you're finding something less violent to occupy your time with," Leo said but his eyes were distantly staring at the horizon. Raph sighed.   
  
"Come on Leo," Raph pushed his head into his brother's vision until Leo had no choice but to look at him. "I'm your brother. Tell me what else is bothering you."  
  
"It's just..." Leo relented "its hard imagined Donnie as... mindless. I think that's what hit the hardest. He's the best of us, you know? He always has all the answers and even when he doesn't he goes to find them. I kept turning to ask him what to do but... he couldn't answer."  
  
Nodding in understanding, Raph shuffled closer to his brother and flung his arms around Leo's shoulders and pulled him closer. "I get it," Raph said, relaxing as Leo sunk into the embrace. "It was hard on us all, not having Donnie's science mumbo-jumbo in the background but we've got him back now and soon we won't be able to shut him up."  
  
"I don't ever want to see that happen again," Leo muttered brokenly into Raphs shoulder. "Not just to Donnie. I don't want any of you to be forced to go through that. But I don't... I don't know how to prevent it."  
  
Raph shrugged, jostling his brother and pulling him into his lap so Leo could look Raph in the eyes. "You can't. None of us can. All we can do it just be there for eachother and make sure we take care of any injuries we may have before they get worse. There's nothing else you can do."  
  
Behind them, there was a rough, scratching sound accompanied by soft thumps on the rooftop and the unmistakable shuffling of feet. "You guys didn't tell us you were having a party up here." When Leo extracted himself from his brother's lap, both he and Raph spun around to see Donnie limping towards them, using his bo as support. "I would have gotten Mikey to order pizza if I'd known."  
  
"D-don," Leo stuttered in disbelief "what are you doing out of bed? I thought Mikey was supposed to be keeping an eye on you."   
  
Donnie paused in his approach to lean against his staff and blink tiredly. "I got sick of being cooped up all day and all night so I put some of my sleeping pills in Mikey's Gatorade." He shrugged like the issue was unimportant. "I gave him half of one but I knew none of you have been sleeping so it didn't really take much." He shuffled closer, feet barely rising above the concrete. "What were you talking about?" He narrowed his eyes. "No, wait. Don't tell me. Let me guess."  
  
Raph put his hand out to help his bother to sit down but also to make sure he was safely away from the roofs edge but Donnie slapped it away. "Nuh uh, I don't need any help walking." He sat heavily on the roof beside his brothers, feet dangling over the edge in a perfect mimicry. "You were talking about me, right?" He guessed. "I can tell because you both keep looking at me like I'm about to fade away."  
  
Shaking his head, Leo reached over to gently flick his brother in the arm before rubbing over it with the back of his hand. "Always the smart one," he said.  
  
Humming, Donnie leant into the touch and with a smile, Leo moved his hand from his brother's arm to his head. "Don't you forget it." Don agreed. "What were you talking about?"  
  
"Just how much you've had to go through." Leo never paused running his fingers over his brother's warm skin, both to comfort Don and to give Leo something to focus on other than his words and his memories and the white lies he was telling. "You've gotten the short end of the stick every time. It's not fair."  
  
"Yeah Don," Raph agreed to which Leo was grateful. "You got captured by the space dinosaurs-"  
  
"Triceratons." Don corrected but his words went ignored.   
  
"And they used that thing on you. Then you were sent to the wack job dystopia of our lives. And now this?" Raph shook his head. "It ain't fair."  
  
"Who said our lives were ever going to be fair?" Don joked but his eyes were narrowed yet inquisitive, as though by glaring he could deduce everything about a person. Maybe he could, Leo admitted, he's done it to his family enough. "It's not just about me though, is it?" Donnie's voice was quiet. His eyes widened as they darted between Leo and Raph. "God damn it, you're guilty again. Don't try and deny it, you've got the look on your face that you only get when you blame yourself for something that happened."  
  
"Nah Don, that's not-" Raph objected but his voice was drowned out by his brother's words, steadily growing more heated and more truthful as he spoke.  
  
"None of what happened was your fault. I should have run more tests on the sting. I should have been actively taking medication because even if I didn't know it was infectious, it came from the most unhygienic place in the world. I should have told you when I started to feel unwell and when my condition deteriorated." Donnie insisted, hitting his thigh harder and harder with each point. "Hell, if I was more careful and paying more attention, I wouldn't have been hit in the first place! This is my fault, not any of yours."  
  
Clearing his throat, Raph awkwardly patted Donnie's shell. "Nah man, you got it all wrong. We ain't feeling guilty, we're just glad you're home safe."  
  
"You're right," Don fixed his gaze to Leo who was slyly hiding his eyes behind Raphael's shell. "Only you feel guilty about that. Leo, what are you guilty for?"  
  
"Nothing, Don," Leo mumbled.   
  
"Don't you do that to me." Donatello's eyes seemed to see into Leo's very soul. "I have spent my entire life watching you all. I know your tells and your mannerisms. I know Leo that when you feel guilty you avoid eye contact." Leo snapped his head to look at Donnie but kept his gaze between his brother's eyes. "So spill."  
  
"You're overreacting Don, there's really nothing going on," Leo insisted.  
  
At the exact same time, Raph sighed and spoke louder than Leo, "He feels like crap for hurting you."  
  
Donnie blinked in surprise as Leo shot Raph a spiteful look. "Hurt me? When did you hurt me? Was it when I was that...thing? Because if it was, I can't remember anything that happened."  
  
"You know those things you invented to help us put down the mutations?" Raph asked cautiously, ignoring Leo's warning glare. "The guns and things?"  
  
"What about them?"   
  
Leo buried his head in his hands as Raph spoke in a rush. "Leo might have shot you a bunch of times and put you in a cage."  
  
There was silence for a moment, the only sounds breaking it was the quiet rustling of leaves in their trees and the honking of car horns in the distance. Eventually, Leo raised his head so he and his brother could look at Donnie in tight anticipation. Finally, Don looked away and down at his legs dangling over the side of the building. "Oh," he said quietly, mulling the thought over. Leo bit his tongue in preparation for a frantic explanation but blinked in confusion when Donnie only shrugged. "Oh well. I suppose it could have been worse. If that's all then you really have no reason to feel so guilty."  
  
Spluttering, Leo gawked at Donnie. "W-what do you mean? Don, I shot you and let Bishop's men force you into a cage-"  
  
"I don't remember any of it but I know you don't act without a reason." Donnie shrugged as though they were discussing a new item on a menu and not the forced incarceration of a sibling. "You probably acted with judgment and knowledge. I trust that you knew what you were doing Leo. You probably protected the lives of every man in there doing what you did. Mikey told me I was quite..." his lips twisted into an unpleasant snarl "... violent."  
  
"Mikey needs to learn to shut his damn mouth," Raph grumbled under his breath.  
  
Both brothers ignored him. "That doesn't dismiss me for the way that I acted!" Leo maintained. He shook his head in frustration, though at what he wasn't sure. "I'm the oldest, I'm the leader. I have a duty to watch your backs and care for you during battle. What good am I if I'm taking the same action of those I am trying to protect you from?"

“Leo, do you want to know a secret?” Donnie asked quietly, wavering voice barely above a whisper. Leo nodded, his own words momentarily forgotten. “I don’t remember anything but sometimes I wake up and I’m so very angry and I don’t know why. Mikey is by my side and my bo is on my back and all I want to do is hurt Mikey for being near me.” He paused and his brothers exchanged looks at the glaze in his eyes. “I have to cut my nails because they’re sharper than they were- my teeth too. Sometimes I feel like walking on four feet instead of two and using my fists to open doors.”

“Jeeze Don, you don’t think this was something to mention sooner?” Raph asked in disbelief. By a glance at his brother, he could tell Leo was in the same boat.

“I sometimes I have nightmares where I’m hurting you all- biting off your limbs or raking my claws down your bodies or ripping off your heads. I’m always covered in blood and then Bishop puts a collar on me and puts me in a cage.” Meeting Leo’s eyes, there was a look of… peace, honesty, trust to Donnie's gaze. “I wake up shaking and barely hold in my screams. Mikey uses a damp cloth to wipe the sweat away from the night and pretends he didn't see me crying and shaking in my sleep..”

“Donnie-“ Leo went to interrupt but Donnie just sighed and shook his head.

“I’m not telling you this so you have something else to feel guilty about.” He explained softly. “I’m telling you this so you know that even though I don’t remember what happened, I still have… impressions and I know that it’s not the best thing to have to go through. We're all screwed up but that's just because of the lives we've chosen to lead. I think I might have anxiety though. Now that I think about it, maybe a sleep disorder. We'll have to do another supply run soon so I can pick up more medication... no, don’t look at me like that, it’s not a big deal. I’ll get through it, I’m not going to die. Leo-”

“I’m sorry,” Leo whispered, tears in his eyes. “I’m so sorry for everything.”  
  
Exasperated, Don leaned across Raph to grasp Leo's hands in his own. Donnie could feel that they were shaking- from anger, guilt, despair. "Leo, you are only one turtle and you can not protect us from every danger this world throws at us. We know that and even when we get hurt during battle, the blame never falls on you."

“But, Don-” Leo continued, his voice drifting off at the stern look on his brothers face. Leo took a moment to really look at him. There were dark bags under his eyes, darker than normal, and his skin was a lighter shade than it was supposed to be. His eyes, usually bright and searching and full of curiosity, were dull and tired. His eyelids fluttered and Leo noticed that his brother was having a hard time keeping his eyes open. His hands were hot where they griped Leo’s but he could feel the shake from the minuscule contact.

Don moved his hand from Leo’s hands to the back of his head, pulling him in close until their foreheads touched across Raph’s lap. “Leonardo, Raphael, look at me.” He put his other hand behind Raph’s head and ignoring his brother’s protests, pulled him into their little huddle as well. “Listen closely. None of this is your fault. Nothing that happened was because of you and the decisions you made. And if you feel like you need my forgiveness then you have it, even though you don’t need it. I know you did everything you could to help me and I love you more and more for it when I know it would have just been easier to leave me as I were and forget about me.”

“No Donnie, we would never,” Raph muttered feeling tears stinging his eyes. He could feel Leo shaking against him and a quick glance at his older brother told Raph that he was silently crying. “We would never leave you.”

Their brother’s gaze was unwavering, the purple mask tied around his neck fluttering in the wind. “I know. But you don’t need to blame yourself for everything. This could have been prevented on my end more than it could on yours. I forgive you for whatever you blame yourself for.” He leaned closer and closed his eyes, exhaustion and pain shooting across his face and staying put. “Please, _please_ stop blaming yourself for protecting us. Both of you. Without you, we would have been dead long ago.”

“I wish you had all the answers, Donnie,” Leo whispered, voice catching and Raph felt something tighten in his chest. “I wish we could help you out but we’re not smart enough and that responsibility rests on you, just as leading you all rests on me. I wish… I wish you knew how to fix things. I wish you knew how to fix us.”

“I do have all the answers.” Donnie joked, pulling away with a smile. “I know that pizza will fix anything and I know that I need a coffee. And as soon as I’m allowed out of bed without a bodyguard I’m going to fix everything that broke.”

“You do too much for us.” Raph sighed, pulling away as well. “You care too much. You don’ need to do so much.”

Donnie shrugged. “I hardly do anything around here. I get off easy. I just… try and do what I’m good at. I think it’s only fair that I get the short straw every now and then. What, with how much you have to deal with.” He stood with a grunt and wavered before Raph grabbed his ankle to keep him from falling off the building. Don offered him a tired smile as thanks. “Let’s get back before Sensi worries where I’ve gotten to and Mikey gets in trouble for falling asleep. I may need your help though, it was hard enough getting up here, I’ve got no idea how I’m going to get down.”

As Don turned around, Raph smiled at Leo. “Feeling better?” he whispered as he watched Donnie’s slowly retreating back. “Because I know I am.”

“Yeah, I do.” Leo stood and offered Raph a hand up, which his brother took with a nod. “I don’t know how he does it but he manages to fix everything no matter what. I don’t know what we’d do without him.”

“I don’t either but we’d better go help him get off this building before we find out.” Raph quipped as he jogged to catch up with his brother, linking an arm around his shell and helping Donnie walk to the edge of the building.

Don turned around to look at Leo, still standing where he was left. He cupped one hand around his mouth. “You coming, Leo?” He shouted weakly.

Sparing one last look at the slowly rising sun and the twinkling light of the buildings billow him, Leo imagined the heartache and guilt and pain he felt about everything that happened had turned into a piece of paper. Leo dropped the paper into the air and watched the breeze drag it away. He sighed as a weight was lifted off his shoulders. “Yeah, I’m coming. You better not have been joking about that pizza Donnie because I am _starving_."

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this is ok x please let me know if I need to edit the tags


End file.
